Keeping it Real…

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What the fuck is wrong with me? I finally find someone who cares about me… Someone I don’t want to lose and what do I do? I go and manage to fuck things up between us. I completely fucked up. What’s worse is the fact that I fucked up for no good reason. Nothing worth mentioning. It doesn’t matter if I am telling the truth… The truth means nothing to the person I have lied to. To him, the truth will always be seen as a lie until proven otherwise.

Last night, I was asked a question that should have been extremely easy to answer… “What are you running from?” I answered that I didn’t know… As I sit here, thinking about what the answer might be, I have come up with only one conclusion: I am running from myself. Time and time again, I run from myself… I am insane. Insanity means doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results…

Since I am being honest with myself right now, I may as well throw something else out there as well… I think that I subconsciously, and consciously, made all these stupid choices and decisions because I feel as though I don’t deserve Kenn… He is such a good person, inside and out. Hopeful, motivated, driven towards lifelong goals……. He is everything I wish I could be and more. He doesn’t deserve someone like me. He doesn’t deserve the problems that I have brought with me. It isn’t fair to him. Maybe I keep testing him… seeing how far he will let me push until he kicks me out and is done with me. Just so I can say something like, “See? Im just a fuck up. I have nobody that cares about me…”

I know that sounds fucked up… thats because it is. Its easier when nobody cares about me…. that way, I wont let anyone down… except myself. I can deal with hating myself because I let myself down… But I hate letting other people down… I hate having other people disappointed in me… 

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6 responses to “Keeping it Real…

  1. Some one said the same thing to me… once. Sounds like you do this a lot in relationships. I’d never want to meet you. Sorry but had enough problems with relationships to know the difference.

  2. I guess its part of relationship… Everything is not sugary all the time … and time heals everything.. We just have to be patience enough to look around the good we have and to bring that good back we need enthusiasm and positiveness…:)

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